Umfolozi Game park at 6am. Kobus’ Dad bellowed through our bedroom door, "Dogballs and Loren, time to get up! Zwane is taking us for a bush walk at 6.30!".
Kobus was already awake, sitting on the toilet, probably in a meditative state, slowly pushing the contents of his bowels out. Kobus’ turd dumping was almost ritualistic! Every morning at sparrow fart o' clock, Kobus trudges to the toilet, sits for twenty minutes in the squat position, makes a few faint groans, flushes, washes his hands, then comes to the bedroom saying "I'd give it a couple of minutes my love." I am not a lark, nor am I an owl. I am a chronic sleeper, so I used the excuse that if I ventured to the bathroom, I may collapse or dry wretch, it was best I napped for another ten minutes.
There was no napping for ten minutes on this morning. Kobus was on a mission to get me out of bed early for our hike. "Lovie, rise and shine, we need to be ready and I want us to have a cup of tea and a rusk before we go so you don't feel faint or get a migraine on the walk." I groaned under the duvet cover while secretly smiling to myself. My husband is such a considerate person. I get chronic migraines so he is very aware of my need to snack regularly, drink regularly and get to bed at the same time every night. It's the little things that count heh.
I stuck a foot out of the duvet to test the temperature, which was stupid because we were in Africa. The mornings are not roasting hot but they are certainly not freezing in September.
I decided on my rising strategy. Best thing to do is rip the covers off and just get up, just get up! GET UP LOREN YA LAZY BITCH! Did I really need to see the animals so early?
I saw them the last time I was in SA? I might just sleep for the morning, I thought. I began to hear my father's voice in my head! "Well Jesus, Mary and Holy Saint Joseph! You went all the way to Africa to look at the inside of your fuckin' eyelids! Get outta that bed before I belt ya!" Feck off Dada! Then I heard my mother's placid voice in my head, "Loren, if you don't get up and go on this walk, you'll regret it. Imagine all the stories Kobus will have about the animals he saw and you will be sorry you didn't go!" My parents were right. I got up.
Zwane, the tracker, told us not to wear white or red for fear of being attacked by an animal so I dug out my navy tracksuit pants which I have been wearing since departure from Jersey and a blue longsleeved t-shirt. Ablutions over, I smattered factor 50 sunscreen on my milky white face, grabbed my sunglasses and followed Kobus to the kitchen. Sonja and David were already there, making tea for everyone. "Hi, did you sleep nicely?" Sonja asked excitedly. Sonja is one of the friendliest, most enthusiastic, insanely wonderful people I have ever met.
We have a lot in common. We are both sensitive and never got passed adolescence in our minds. Not the moody, cantankerous era of puberty, the part before that when you wander through life as a raging idealist and search for purpose.
"Yes, I had a lovely sleep thanks. I was awoken by the cries of Daddy Venter! Hark, here he comes now!" In the distance we heard Daddy Venter call Kobus’ mother, "Rolene! C'mon! We’re going to see some norks and some puffsy wuffsies! Where is my nork stick! OOOH! Hahhhaaaaa!" Here’s a quick translation! Norks means snakes and puffsy wuffsies are a particular type of snake called a Puffadder. The Venter’s like to make up words!
Kobus’ father is a character, to say the least. He is tall, has a roundy belly, a shock of white hair and a white beard. I think his eyebrows are white but we are not 100% sure because he shaves them off with his clippers! If you have an image of Santa Claus in shorts with a South African accent, you know have a good idea of what he looks like.
When I first met Kobus’ father, I thought he had a form of Tourette's. He rarely swears but he often makes random noises at inopportune moments. These deep bellowing outbursts are hilarious and no amount of description could ever do them justice. His colourful descriptions would make the most dreary person pee themselves. For example, when scared that an elephant was going to knock down our camp in the middle of the night, he said he was "poephol knap", meaning clenched arsehole. He's a loonbag!
Daddy Venter and Rolene share a very nerdy hobbie with their son-in-law, David. They are avid bird-watchers! Through the whole 3 day trip in Umfolozi, we regularly heard "David, what's that bird?, David, come here please?" He has the patience of a saint and the bird knowledge of a young David Attenborough. A natural ornithologist.
Zwane came to collect us with another tracker called Bergie. Both had rifles in tow. I was getting very excited! I had been on safari before in a game vehicle. I'd never been on a bush walk! This was real Indiana Jones stuff! Trekking through the bush quietly! Trying to stay alert for fear of being eaten by a lion or trampled by a herd of angry buffalo! Oh, the adrenalin!
We began the walk, single file. The order of march was Zwane, David, Sonja, Me, Kobus, Rolene, Daddy Venter, Bergie. The rule was that we snapped our fingers or clicked our tongue if we wanted to ask a question.
For the first 20 minutes, Zwane pointed out the plethora of poos that were scattered in the bush. Did you know that hyena poo is bright white because they eat the bones of the carcass they are scavaging! And black rhino poo is grassy because, well, they eat grass! I was beginning to think that all I was going to see was faeces when someone snapped their fingers! It was Bergie. Bergie's black rugged face demanded respect.
He was only about 5 foot seven but he had an intense stare. I was a bit intimidated by him. After clicking his fingers, he pointed towards the dry river bed. My eyesight isn't the best so all I could see were blobs.
Someone handed me the binoculars. Holy hell! There were a bunch of vulcers and hyenas munching on the carcass of a dead buffalo! It was insane! The binos were passed round to everyone in the group. While we marvelled at the feast in front of us, a strange noise was being investigated by Zwane from a nearby patch of dry grass. Zwane was older than Bergie. I estimated Bergie was in his early thirties and Zwane in his fifties. Zwane lead the walk and was the medula, the elder. It was obvious that Bergie had more information than Zwane on the flora and fauna of the land (or maybe he was just a better communicator) but in respect to his elder, he rarely divulged information. Zwane looked like a cartoon character. Attention was taken from his roundy pot belly by his wiry, greying moustache that curled up at the ends, like the Colonel's moustache in the KFC adverts.
"Come! Listen! Mongoose!" We shuffled over to the noise. I can hardly describe it. It was a sort of reverberation from the belly. The mongoose seemed to suggest, "get away from my pad! I might be small but I will fuck you up if you don't piss off outta here, right?!?"
The examination of more dried faecal matter ensued through the arid, thorny bush. One or two flowers popped their dehydrated heads from their buds but it seemed they wouldn't last long in the African heat. Zwane said the rains were late coming which is why the river beds are bone dry. It was good for us as it made it easier to spot animals but I wished for the rains to come so the flowers could bloom and dance in the African breeze. The animals seemed fine! Although, maybe they would like a drop more water and a little swim.
Our next animal encounter was an auditory affair. Zwane and Kobus stopped abruptly in their tracks. "Did you hear that?" "Oh Jesus!" Zwane signalled to us to stay still. I hadn't a clue what was going on. Kobus was starting to sweat and I think he may have pooed his pants but I am only speculating. "Hear what?", I naively asked my pooey arsed husband. "I think I heard a roar, like a lion's roar or another cat. I hope Zwane takes us out of her soon.
This is not good for my nerves, or my underpants!". I tried to console Kobus but I secretly hoped we would see a lion, from afar of course. I wouldn't have been pleased if one came bounding towards me. I doubt I would have been able to scuttle up a tree. David and Kobus had their eyes fixed on Zwane, waiting for a signal or some shred of information. Daddy Venter had vanished up his own bumhole, afraid of being eaten, Rolene was looking at birds through the binos, oblivious to what was going on. Sonja was busting for a wee because she was four months preganant. I'd imagine if a lion appeared at that moment, she would have ripped its head off. There is no way a lion can compete with a hormonal preggie belly who needs to urinate. I was looking around, thinking, "I'm a bit bored now. The lions are probably having a lie down. Can we move on?" At this stage, I was seriously contemplating asking Rolene how many species of bird she had spotted this morning in order to pass the time!
After what seemed like nine years, Zwane steered us to safety, towards a large black rhino. I could hear another squelch in Kobus's brookies. Camera at the ready, I took some pics of the rhino as it munched the parched grass. It was amazing to be so close to such a beautiful animal. The rhino was about 50 m away from us, Sonja had spotted him through a patch of thorn trees. First, it just looked like a big rock, but when the rock started to move, we all gazed in wonder at this divine creature.
After the rhino, we saw even more poo, a rotting carcass of a giraffe and a tree stump that the rhinos use to scratch the ticks off their skin. Then, we made our way back to base for breakfast. Breakfast was finished at 10.30.
I retied to bed for a nap after eating, as did everyone else. The bush was tiring! And the silence that surrounded us meant that I was easily lulled into a peaceful sleep.
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